Good Things About Being Attacked By Iraq

A gas attack from Iraq will make Darth Vader impersonations de rigeur..

US President George W Bush wants to declare war on Iraq because he suspects Saddam Hussein has been stockpiling biological, chemical and nuclear weapons.

Realistically, it's hard to imagine anything more likely to make Saddam use his biological, chemical and nuclear weapons than being attacked, but who are we to argue with US military intelligence.

So, when George Bush gets his way, and the shooting starts, what can we hope for?

Surprisingly, there are some positive outcomes of Saddam using his weapons against us.

• Nuclear weapons will cause massive genetic mutations amongst those in the impact zone. This means we won't have to experiment on embryos in order to develop a new, genetically modified human.
  
• If Saddam bombs us with botox, we'll all look 10 years younger.
  
• Once he has used his stockpiles, there will be no need to attack him.
  
• We'll find out we've already been consuming biological weapons agents for years. How the hell else do you explain a McDonald's thick shake?
  
• It may force the USA to use up some of its stockpiles of biological, nuclear and chemical weapons, making the world a safer place.
  
• If Saddam bombs us with mustard gas, we won't need to buy condiments for a while.
  
• Being in the blast zone of nerve gas reduces your need for Prozac.
  
• Bulimics rejoice! Sarin gas makes you throw up uncontrollably.
  
• The electro-magnetic pulse in a nuclear bomb will fry our CD players, meaning we won't have to listen to Britney Spears any more.
  
• If Saddam attacks us with influenza bombs, we'll be able to call in sick, no questions asked.

 It's tough being a kid. All the fun's being had inside the nightclub, but you're not allowed in just because of those pesky underage drinking laws.

Well, don't let that stop you. This month, we offer some useful advice on how to party like a grown up, even if you're not.

• If you're 16, hold your ID upside down, and pass yourself off as 91.
• An internet year is the equivalent of seven in the real world, so every hour on ICQ is the equivalent of a day in real life. This means the average web-addicted teenager is really 43.
• Confuse the bouncer. When he asks your age, just give him your birthdate, and let him do the math.
• It's best to use wit and intelligence to get past the bouncer, but sometimes $20 will do.
• Pay nine 13 year olds to line up in for the club in front of you - they'll get knocked back for being so young; you'll look old in comparison, and be let right in.
• Never having kissed anybody is a clue you're young or very religious. Neither is good for getting into clubs, so lie if asked. But be convincing. 10 is a reasonable number. 10 million is not.
• It may be cool to get to know the bouncer, but don't invite him to your school's football game.
• Bouncers like to think of themselves as being the peak of physical perfection. Challenge him to do 4,000 push ups. While he's demonstrating, go into the club.
• Remember, a long coat and a ten-year old sitting on an 11 year old's shoulders makes a 21 year old.
• Don't play hopscotch while waiting in line.
• When the bouncer stops you at the door, confuse him by saying something like "Is what the mule times thirteen sheep plus the percentage of a donut the hole takes up! Solve it!" While he is trying to work out what you said, hit him with an umbrella and run inside. Heh heh heh.
• Wait until just after midnight, when the first run of brawls start outside of the nightclub (Bouncers can't help but get involved in some good old blood sport). Dash quickly, but confidently, through the unattended door.
• On the things not to do notes : Do not stand outside singing/humming Nicki Webster songs. (Actually never do this at any point, in your life, anywhere).

(What ever would you do without my internet genious!)